As you may recall, I periodically microdose psilocybin. Maybe a few times a month. Usually either preceding some kind of stressful event or when I’m not feeling super motivated to work on MD but know I should.
The last batch I got though has seemed kind of like a dud. Previously, I’d only take one and notice effects. A small body high. No visible “wall breathing” but definitely increased visual sharpness and saturation. And of course, the main objective: the ability to immediately get into a deep sense of flow.
But with these new ones I’ve taken three multiple times and the most I could notice was maybe a slightly improved capacity to get into flow that was hard to distinguish from placebo. I took seven in a day a week ago and it felt like one used to feel.
Last night I took four when I started writing that post around 11PM. And then I finished at 230AM. It again felt at most like maybe I was a little more in flow, but that’s about it.
Then at 3AM I turned off the light to go to sleep. And by 330AM—for some inexplicable reason more than four hours after I took them—I was tripping. Not super hard. But tripping none the less. About the same as when I wrote that “I accidentally took a bunch of mushrooms” post. It was slightly different, though it was likely due to the strain. The most noticeable effect in this strain being the body high. Whenever I take a full dose of psychedelics I get this very distinct lump in my throat. And that was certainly there.
Visuals were apparent as well. Very increased sharpness and saturation, increased (and strange) depth perception, that “cartoony” look. Even some “wall breathing” if I looked for it.
Suffice to say I wasn’t going to bed. So I went and got some gas, a car wash, water, and cigarettes. I’ve been wanting one for a few weeks and been debating it and this seemed like the time if any to do so.
Anyway, all this to say: once I got back, I re-read my post and continued thinking about it. And I think I figured it out—the root from which these impulsive and intense negative thoughts stem.
And it is that I believe I am super human. Or at least that being super human is the only acceptable thing to be.
I have always felt distinctly separate from the Sapiens. Whether I was greater or lesser than them depended on the day. Maybe even the situation. Maybe it was even just a superposition of both always.
But the degree to which I felt greater provided some degree of relief. Confidence. Self worth. “I am destined for more”. “I am more aware. More malleable. More rational. Higher agency. And that makes me better”.
The problem with this idea is that it creates this self reinforcing negative feedback loop. I “fail” and then I self attack and then that makes me risk averse and then I don’t do anything and I sit around stimming useless bullshit which only causes me to self attack more.
I always knew this was irrational. Well not always, but for several years. But I could never figure out why it was such an uphill battle to interrupt it. But now I understand. It is because of this core belief. That I am separate from the Sapiens and to exhibit any sign of Sapien makes me just like them.
I have avoided this truth fro a long time. But it is true none the less. As strange as the Sapiens seem to me, I am one of them. Or at least close enough. I share all their flaws and weaknesses. Maybe many of them to some lesser degree, but they are not categorically different.
The sapiens are certainly wretched things. Weak. Cowardly. Lazy. Selfish. All the rest. They are easy to hate. But there is no way to hate them without hating oneself. No matter how hard you try to create a delineation of the normies as outgroup, the truth—that they are ingroup—cannot be surpressed forever.
I am a human. I make human mistakes all the time. Again, maybe not as much as the normies do. But enough. And given that I find being a normie completely unacceptable, even one of ten times as much as them throws me into this big self immolating fit.
I have always refused to compare myself to the average person. Sure, I am pretty cool compared to that. But it’s like saying you’re pretty cool compared to a dog because you don’t shit in the grass and eat off the floor.
But this is the issue. I am still a dog. Just one who shits in a toilet and eats off a plate.
Why did I make that social mistake? Why did I not do well this thing I’ve never done before? Why do I sit around on my phone sometimes? Why do I get tired after extended periods of deep focus? Why don’t I have perfect self control and discipline? Why don’t I make a five hundred thousand dollar salary? Because I am human! Because am a flawed sinful monkey like all the rest of them!
There is something cathartic in this acknowledgement. Something relieving. I am not fundamentally broken for having these flaws. Having these flaws is the baseline. It is what I should expect of myself. And the degree to which I don’t do these things is a bonus. And I rarely do these things. Meaning that I am winning most of the time. Most people will take constant winning as a sign they don’t need to do anything. But I am the opposite. Winning is the thing that motivates me to go and do more.
Perhaps seeing myself as distinct from the Sapiens served me well for a long time. Whether realizing what I have realized now could have been realized before, I am not sure. But that’s just the way it goes. You do the best you can with the beliefs you have. And then you upgrade them when their cost outweighs their benefit. There is no point in sitting around trying to engineer the perfect beliefs. The ones you have will get you most of the way there.
There is something I am losing here. There are trade offs to accepting oneself as a Sapien. I’ll need some time with this new belief to figure out what they are. But they will just have to be managed. I am certain they are less costly than the old belief.
Will examine further and report back. Good day.
"But it’s like saying you’re pretty cool compared to a dog because you don’t shit in the grass and eat off the floor."
The author was found later that morning, chewing the grass in his lawn, 90% naked, and mumbling to himself "I'm a human. I'm a human."
His loyal dog agreed, and stood watch as he experienced the weight and effects of this profound revelation.